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RE-VAMP COMPLETE!
Tell me what you think?
A REAL update will come shortly...
Just realised it's been almost a year since I wrote a real post!
And boy oh boy.. has life turned upside down since then....
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I've decided to keep the journal..
I was looking back at it and this journal has been through a lot with me the past 3 years...
So, i'm gonna give it a re-vap.
As soon as im happy with the new changes, i'll start writing again :)
PS
If you leave a comment on my lj, i'd like to know who you are :P :)
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Decision time guys!!
Do I delete this journal, or not?
All comments welcome!! :D
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Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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I’m writing this because of my ex, spirit_affinity keeps posting shit about me...
So this isn’t really a proper post...
I've told him over and over again to LEAVE ME ALONE!
How hard is it to understand?
WE'RE OVER!
He says that it’s my fault etc like he did no wrong...
I'm not going to go into what he did but at the end of the day,
I don’t care whose fault it is... bcos I know I did shit too.
I have just had enough of getting shit every time I come online, FROM HIM!
I come online; he says 'hi' or something so I say hi and we start having a civil conversation then all of a sudden,
BANG!
He starts going off on one.
I just sit there and let him go off on one for a bit, or I tell him i'm going and he keeps talking or I tell him to just shut up and leave me alone bcos I don’t want to talk to him.. But does he listen? No!
So after about 30 mins of listening to him repeating the same shit, I end up tripping out at him and fighting back.
Then he tells me I won’t leave him alone?!
Excuse me?!
HE started talking to me; HE started talking to me like shit when I was trying to have a normal convo with him...
And he calls me bipolar?!
I told him "go and die or something"
Bcos that’s the only way he'll leave me alone...
I didn't mean it, i'm not a mean horrible person but when someone is constantly bugging you and everything else u say doesnt work, what else can you say?
What kind of person makes themselves so dependable and moulds their whole life around someone who is just their partner?!
I'm sorry but a relationship is about two people coming together,
Not one person coming along and moulding their whole life to the other person and sacrificing everything, including their education and their whole livelihood for another.
I don’t know about you, girls, but that’s a real turn off...
I want a guy who is independent, who has their own life outside of our relationship, who goes out with their mates, knows how to have a good time but i know i can trust and wont take things too far....
Not a guy who when we split up or if we've been through shit is gonna say,
'I'm like this because of YOU!'
Excuse me but I AM NOT ur guardian, I don't make you do stuff you don't want to do!
I wasn't there FORCING DRUGS DOWN YOUR THROAT
Oh, but hang on, it's bcos of me that u done that?
I have a life, I have loads of friends and I love having a laugh and doing random shit...
If I do something that wasnt right, or if i try a drug i havent done before, or whatever!
I would never blame it on things that have happen in the past, or my partner for me doing that!
I MADE THE DECISION TO DO WHATEVER IT WAS I WANTED TO DO,
WHETHER IT WAS A GOOD DECISION OR NOT,
I HAVE MY OWN MIND!
No one forces me to do anything I don't want to...
SO, don't blame me for your decisions
I understand that the fact that nearly all my mates are male can be a problem but they're MATES for a reason..
THAT does not mean I’m going to go out and pull!!!
However, when you have someone constantly saying,
'Have u been unfaithful tonight, what have u done with him, I know u're going to get it on with him blah blah'
Even though all u've done is gone out with some mate, or gone out camping or whatever so u haven’t done anything then obviously start to think,
Fuck it, I’m getting shit for not even doing anything, I might as well do it and get the same shit anyway...!
At the end of the day, we all have our faults and we're both to blame for what’s happened...
But, I’m happy now... and I don’t want to go back to how it was...
If he can't accept that then he's the one with the problem, not me...
Like I said before...
No one forces anyone to do anything they don't want to...
SO, don't blame me for your decisions
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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
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| Time: | 2:52 pm. |
| Mood: |  chipper. |
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Woah...!!
I proper need to update this....
But that requires effort...
*lol*
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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  ecstatic. |
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Oh yes!
Who is a legend!?
I think its time for a BIG update...
Money
Ok so when I first got back to Jersey, exactly 5 weeks ago today, after quitting university I thought I would owe in the region of 10 grand!
£6,500 - To my government for my grant and tuition fees, which were ridiculously high bcos the Channel Islands aren't in the EU so therefore we pay international fees.
£3,500 - To my Dad bcos he paid for all my rent etc...
However... a few weeks ago...Dad got the bill from my government for my tuition fees and grant etc...
And it was only...
£1,800!
*WooHoo*
So my debt has been almost halved!!!
Dad has paid the government back so all the money I owe, I owe to my Dad :)
Job
Since i've been back, I’ve just been doing odd shifts at the co-op (supermarket I’ve worked in since I was 14).
It isn’t too bad but it’s not what I wanted to do forever... but, on the up side, I got a pay rise :)
I'm now on about £6.50 an hr :D
Not bad for a supermarket, huh?
But, I did apply for a teaching assistant job at a secondary school which showed up as soon as I got to Jersey and I was offered an interview..
So, I went for the interview today
And........
I GOT THE JOB!
*WooHoo*
So I am now the newest teaching assistant at Le Rocquier School.. Oh yes.. I’m cool.
AND
It was my first ever interview.. I thought I had proper fluffed up...
The first question I got asked was,
'Why Le Rocquier School?'
My answer..
'I don’t know. Oh no, that was a bad start.. I enjoy a challenge etc etc'
Totally didn’t answer the question and totally messed up the answer.. *lol*
But I left at 2pm, I was there from noon and I was the last one to be interviewed. We had tour of the school etc
Two hours later, I get a phone call saying I’ve got the job!!!
I am so happy :D
At the beginning when I first got back, everything was just so bad.. Nothing was going right.
I was having a hard time with mum, still sort of am, I thought I owed a shed load of money etc
And now look! :)
Positive thinking all the way!
This job has really opened me up to so much, great money, great hrs, and great courses on offer...
I can't wait to start!
As soon as my probation period is over (6 months) I’ll be permanent so I’ll be able to move out :D
Things are so good at the mo... :D
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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Hurt..
Why is it easier and quicker to get over the hurt caused by someone you don't care about or love?
You'd think that it would be easier to get over the hurt that's been caused by someone you love bcos, simply, you still love them..
Yet, it just doesn't work like that..
*hmmm...*
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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:39 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. |
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Lately, I have found myself over working and just simply doing too much.
I've just realised some of the reasons why do I this...
1) To stay away from home
- My Mum and I, well even Dad as well now, don't see eye to eye...
We never really have but more so now, especially as I’ve done the whole living on my own thing and having to come back to living at home is killing me!
2) To keep myself away from depression
- As soon as I stop doing things and sit down everything gets to me, money, Dixon, Home life... especially even more so when the only place I seem to be doing this is at home (the main source of my problems.)
In a way, I guess I see hobbies and working as an escape...
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing... but escaping isn't exactly the answer...
I mean, it's not through lack of trying that I have resorted to working myself to exhaustion... bcos believe me, I have tried.. Too much...
It just doesn’t work... and even when I turn to these, my little escapes, I still get shit...
Sometimes you just can't win... The only thing you can do is ride it out...
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:15 pm. |
| Mood: | thoughtful. | | Music: | Shystie - One Wish. |
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It's funny how even when you think you've found 'the one',
there's always so much they keep from you and don't tell you...
You never really know anyone.. no matter how much you like to think you do...
There was once a time when I'd say to anyone searching for their 'one', to never give up when they find them..
But now.. I can't say that anymore
I think it's time I moved on... don't you?
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I've had quite the good weekend.
Friday
Worked from 9am till 2pm at the Co-op.
Note to self:
Early shifts are better, makes me get out of bed and my days longer.
Came home, chilled, and went to Vicki's for dinner.
She didn't want to come out for a drive so I went to Ollie's for a smoke, Gloopy, Ching and Skippy were there too.
The boy racers went away for a long weekend cruising in France so I didn't meet up with, then I just met up with Tony, who didn't go, (new boy racer, with a new civic v-tec, recognised him from my old school) for a bit before coming home to sleep at about 2am.
Saturday
Had a lush lie in, tidied up my room, put some of my old toys that were taking up much needed space under my bed into a black bin liner for Mum to sort through bcos I don’t want them.
Went up to Lucia's house to fix her little girl's comp, which reminds me, I need to go back up and finish it off.
Met Vicki at All Sports at about 9pm to go out on the piss and watch Noelia and Alana dance. Nicola was there too, she looks so good! She's lost a hell of a lot of weight and seems a lot more down to earth.
There was WAY too many ppl I knew in Sports Bar, I couldn’t wait to leave and go Platinum, formerly known as Follies but it has been refurbished... looks very posh, nicer than Follies looked and bigger.
Anyway, I met Chris Whitehouse in Sports Bar, he was meant to meet all his mates in Chambers but turned up a bit late and they had all left without him so he thought they might be in there but they weren't and had gone onto Liquid, which he's not very keen on and nor am I.
So he ended up staying the whole night with us, which was a bit surreal but really cool. He wasn’t drinking but he was well up for dancing all night with me right in the middle of the dance floor, it was wicked!
Vicki was steaming, I drank quite a lot but was still quite sober which was a bit of a let down but hey.
Nothing major happened... Vicki told some guy he was a twat. Nicola got off with someone. Carla Pinheiro came up to me and asked what Vicki's problem was...
Other than that, nothing major. Stayed at Vicki’s.
Oh, and had a bit of an incident with Vicki thinking she'd lost her keys and deciding to unscrew the lock on her door then I find the keys down the side of the sofa where SHE was sitting.. Typical.
Unscrewing the lock didn't help anyway! *lol*
Sunday
Went to work, 1pm till 7pm.
It was dead, dragged ssssssooooooo much...
Today
Worked 12pm till 5pm.
Went to Vicki’s for a couple of hrs, dropped her off at Gemma's cos they were clubbing again tonight. I was going to go clubbing with her but decided to stay in to talk to Dixon but as soon as he gets online, he fucks off to go out with a mate or something. So obviously I was pissed off but hey, what can you do.
Now I’m off to bed... I have work tomorrow again... 1pm till 7pm...
*yawns*
Ciao
-x-
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| Time: | 8:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  blank. |
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I've stopped caring...
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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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Dixon is a prick la la la He's lost out big timela la la Do you like my song?
I do :)
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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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I HATE PACKING
It's normally ok.. but when you have to pack shit like a kettle, a toaster, a duvet and other big bulky things...
IT SUCKS!
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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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Right, so, here's the reality:-
If my calculations are correct, I owe my government £6,250.
*WOAH*
Never mind, it's all good.
I am aiming to pay all of that back by the end of this year, this is possible if I find a job as soon as I get back to Jersey and live at home till I've paid it all back.
Then I think I'm going to move out of home, get a mortgage and possibly do a degree through Open University... It all depends on what job I get.
But yeah... quite a turn around... It's like all my dreams and aspirations have taken a 180 degrees turn.
Reflection time..
It's funny how as you get older, things change.
Your way of thinking changes, your dreams change... not because you don't think you can reach them anymore but sometimes, because you realise that your dreams weren't really your dreams at all.
They were your parent's forever nagging voice in your head saying you have to go uni, you have to get a degree, or the way that society has drilled into you that going to uni and getting a degree is the best thing for you etc...
So you just went along with it all thinking that was what you wanted... with all these false images of it all because all your life you've been told that the only way you're going to get a decent job is to go to uni and get a degree.. When in actual fact, that isn't true...
Then you realise, that was never really what you wanted anyway...
Ok, that was my Jerry Springer thought of the day bit.. -x-
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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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| Time: | 6:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  drunk. |
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NEWS!
I have officially quit my course!
I wasn't going to announce it but hey, I got bored.
I wrote a withdrawal letter last week.
I'm so much happier now.. That course proper sucked!
If anyone is thinking of doing Art Foundation at UWE...
DON'T!
If you want reasons why.. Then get in contact with me.. It'd take me too long to write them all out here! *lol*
I'm going to owe a shed load of cash back to Jersey for paying the international fees and giving me a grant etc but at the end of the day, I needed to put my happiness and health first.
Because I wasn't happy, I kept getting ill... but now I feel great :)
*WOOHOO*
Vicks arrives tomorrow :D
6 days till The Streets!
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Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:10 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. |
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Valentines night was wicked!!
Carrie and me got REALLY drunk and spent hardly any money!
*WOOHOO!*
Loads of random guys kept talking to us and asking us if we wanted a drink so I kept warning them that they weren’t going to get anything from us but I’d still take the drink... I think they thought I was joking? *lol*
So yeah, basically, wicked night... paying for it now though.
Neck PROPER hurts... *ouch*
Too much head banging to The Darkness... :-s *uh oh*
Erm... Do I have anything else to say...?
Oh, yeah!
Only 1 week till Vicks comes over!! *woohoo!*
We're going to go and see The Streets on Monday the 28th!!
OMG *drool*
It's going to be wicked!!
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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:33 pm. |
| Mood: | cheerful. |
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I'm thinking of making this LJ friends only bcos I have acquired a very strange stalker who seems to think they know everything about me and my life when really, they don't have a clue...
Does anyone know who this is?
Yahoo ID:- an_unnamed_nordjc_god
Let me know! -xXx-
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Friday, January 7th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:20 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. |
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Ok well, i sent Dinarta a text saying i wanted to quit and she rang me up.
She says that we can both get through it and all we have to do is talk to the teacher when we get there and ask for an overall extension over the summer etc.
I suppose she's right but i hate being behind.. i hate it so much!
And the reason why im so behind is because of things that happened to the people i care about the most when i first moved to Bristol, the hurt that i was put through.
Also, the fact i had to work all christmas to get some money, hasn't helped.
I even worked New Year's day at 9am!
Oh for fucks sake.. this is a great start to the year..
I guess, there's only a few more months left anyway.. and me and Dinarta can help each other through it..
*sighs*
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| Time: | 12:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. |
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I havent written in this for ages...
But now, i feel like i have to.
I really want to quit Uni.
Ive decided that i dont care how much its gonna cost me to quit but i wanna quit.
Im not happy.
Why should i do something that makes me miserable?
I know if i quit Dixon won't be able to come and see me etc but this is something i need to do for myself.
The reason i haven't seriously thought about quitting before was because i knew Dixon was coming.
But i'm so behind and i just feel like i have no other choice...
I dont even think I wanna do Art anymore....
I really want to quit.
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caz_jsy's journal
indescribable.
okay.
stressed.